Have you ever had someone tell you something about your work or your behavior that felt like a straight gut punch? And in feeling those words, whether in your stomach, your heart, or deep in your soul, did you want to actually punch that person back? Or at least verbally?
The struggle is real
The feedback struggle is real. In truth, not as many of us are practiced in giving useful feedback as we’d like to think. But the focus here is not on giving, but on receiving. I’ve found that in practicing the way you receive feedback, you can both improve your work and your behaviors as well as the way that you give constructive feedback to others.
All feedback, whether praise or criticism, should be constructive. If it’s not, it’s just someone’s opinion. And while we’re all entitled to having an opinion, sharing it without any actionable recommendation isn’t useful. When you receive feedback, it may be gifted to you more in the form of a hunk of rock than a beautiful gemstone. When this happens (and it often does), you’ll need to chip away at the outer layers to find what’s hidden beneath.
Can I get a gift receipt?
Take a step back and think about that for a second. I just handed you a rock and told you it was a ruby. Your initial reaction might be to throw the stupid rock back at me. Another option would be to say thank you and discreetly drop it on the ground behind you. Still a third choice would be to take the rock home and throw it in the tumbler to see if there was indeed a ruby inside.
Let’s examine that third choice. This separates receiving feedback from processing and responding to it. When you receive the rock (rough feedback), your first reaction may be to look at it and realize that at face value, it’s not very useful to you. I’ve been told that “feedback is a gift,” and I’ve even said that to others to invite them to share feedback! So no matter how rough, I typically take the approach of accepting it like you’d accept any other gift (even that hideous sweater vest your Aunt Hilda got you for your last birthday): I say, “Thank you.”
Finding hidden gems
Yes, saying thank you may be more generous than you think this hunk of rubble is worth, so if you can’t muster up that much self-assurance, then you can at least say, “Okay,” or, “All right.” From here, you can take the feedback, put it in your backpack until you get home (or until you get back to work the next day), and then unpack it later. To help you process the feedback, you can ask these questions that can help you tumble that rock into a ruby:
- What are the exact words in this feedback? (This is not derived meaning – we’ll get to that – what we want to start with are the exact words. It’s helpful if you’ve got it written down, preferably from the person who gave it to you.)
- What do those words mean to me?
- What do I think is the intention of the person who gave me the feedback?
- What do they think their intention is?
- If I were to take on their perspective (“put myself in their shoes”), and I thought I was being (helpful, truthful, productive, etc. — whatever their intention is), then what would I really be trying to say here?
- Given this reframing from a place of trying to be (helpful, truthful, productive, etc.), what does this feedback mean to me now?
- Is this feedback actually meaningful to me, when I receive it this way?
- Now that I know this, what would I like to do about it, if anything?
And here’s a great secret: feedback is just information. You get to make a choice to take action!
Now, sometimes you roll that stuff around in your mind and you realize, it’s a dud. It’s just a hunk of turquoise, and that doesn’t really do you any good, because you were looking for rubies. That’s ok! The process of processing your feedback, empathizing with the well-meaning person who gave you this opaque piece of hydrous phosphate, can help you inspect your own gifts of feedback.
An experiment for you to try!
The next time you receive “feedback,” consider giving this collaborative experiment a go with the contributor of said feedback. I’d love to hear about what you notice when you try this out:
- Graciously accept. The next time someone hands you an amorphous blob of feedback, first, say thank you!
- Gain clarity. If you have found this feedback immediately actionable, confirm your understanding. For example, “Ok, I hear you saying that you appreciate my slides that have fewer words. Is that right?”
If you do not see the action that would make a difference, probe for more: “Can you say more about what you’re thinking?” or more directly, “Would you suggest I do something differently?” - Gauge impact. What is the difference that acting on this feedback would make? In the verbose slides example, you could gauge impact by asking, “Is that because it improves readability? Or is it that it helps you focus more on what I’m saying? Or both? Something else?”
If you’re not seeing the intended impact, simply ask, “What impact does this have for you?” or “How would making this change impact you / your understanding / others / their understanding / etc?” - Give it a try (or not). After you’ve collaboratively explored the feedback, make a choice. Will you act on this feedback? Or won’t you? You don’t need to share that choice with your feedback contributor, but you can decide if you’d like to. Again, it’s your adventure – you choose!
All feedback, whether praise or criticism, should be constructive.
If it’s not, it’s just someone’s opinion.
Want more feedback?
The next time you want to give feedback (this includes a “great job,” folks!), run yourself through the questions above, as if you were the recipient. Does your feedback actually offer helpful and actionable insights? Or is it just your opinion?
Let’s raise the bar for “feedback,” shall we? By sharing more meaningful & actionable feedback, we can short-circuit the tumble time for the recipient, truly gift our gems of wisdom, and improve the human experience all around.
Here are a few posts that I’ve continued to refer to when working on how to frame my feedback. Enjoy!
- Peer-to-Peer Feedback by Esther Derby
- Get to the CORE of Giving Radically Candid Feedback by Brandi Neal
- The Pitfalls of “Constructive Feedback” by Kim Scott
Snark & Fire 